Struggling Stay-at-Home Parent? 12 Mind-Altering Advice Tidbits

Are you a struggling stay-at-home parent? Everyone who has stayed at home to help raise their children struggles. You are not alone.

It’s a difficult job, but being chronically/mentally ill while staying at home with your kiddos is a whole different ball game. There are so many other struggles that able-bodied people just don’t face.

I’ve learned a few things over the years staying home with my kids, and I’d like to share them in case you find them helpful.

1. When you’re a chronically/mentally ill struggling stay-at-home parent, your best changes every day.

I had to learn very quickly that the amount of energy I have changes daily. One day, I might be able to walk all over the local zoo. The next day, I could be in pain in a dark room and barely able to move.

This is really difficult to come to terms with, especially if you don’t have a chronic illness diagnosis yet. I wrote an article on how to advocate for a faster diagnosis if you’re still on that journey.

Accepting this and giving yourself grace might be my biggest piece of advice to share. There’s a lot of guilt and shame to let go of if you can just be more gentle with how you treat your view of energy each day.

2. Engaging with your kids is more important than “doing” fun things.

Engaging with my kids is a vital part of my day. I want them to feel that I am present and connected. I used to think this looked like getting on the floor and playing pretend, roughhousing, running around in the back yard, etc.

The reality for me is that I am not able to do these kinds of activities most days. It’s too painful for me. I had to think about different ways to engage with my kids. Some of them I was already doing and just didn’t realize.

When I first began experiencing an abundance more symptoms I remember being devastated. I think everyone goes through grief when they become ill.

I used to spend a lot of my time beating myself up because I wasn’t able to go and run on a soccer field or play tag or lift my kids up in the air. These physical activities are unfortunately just not possible for me right now.

I got to the point one day where I realized I might never be able to play with my kids the way I want to play with them. I also finally understood that physical activity isn’t the only way I can show my kids that I am invested and engaged with them.

Struggling stay-at-home parent alternative activities

I had to look for other ways to connect with each of my kids. This way, they feel like I am engaged in their lives and I care about them. Instead of kicking around a soccer ball, I can draw with chalk, or sit in a chair and talk to them about what they’re playing.

Here are a few more examples of things to do:

• play board games
• read books
• observe them playing and asking engaging questions
• ask them to teach me about their games
• cuddle
• color
• puzzles
• movies

3. Cleaning when you are a sick and struggling stay-at-home parent is not the same for able-bodied people.

As a chronically and mentally ill stay-at-home parent, cleaning is something that can feel utterly impossible. It’s overwhelming to see mess pile up around you. It’s defeating to try and keep up only to feel like a failure when you inevitably can’t.

You’re probably never going to be a “Suzy homemaker” type. That’s okay. There are so many ways to stay at home with your children. Don’t buy into everything you “have to” do as society teaches you. This includes housekeeping.

Kids are messy. You are ill. It’s okay not to keep an immaculate house. I’ve learned to rest when my body asks for it, otherwise, I flare and get sicker in the long run. This means some days I do almost no housework.

When I do, I have a list of prioritized cleaning that I focus on, and I make sure to take as many breaks as possible. Yes. I need to care for my house. However, I also need to care for myself, otherwise, I won’t be able to care for my family as much as I want to.

KC Davis @domesticblisters on TikTok is an amazing resource for this.

Modify tasks so you can complete them easier.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to think of creative ways to do things, so that I exert less energy. This means buying some different tools or modifying the way I do things to make it easier for me.

I have a chair in the shower if I need to sit. My makeup brushes get washed while I am sitting down, instead of at the sink like I used to.

I use a lightweight steam mop on my hardwood floors to avoid getting on my hands and knees. The mop also works so effectively that I don’t have to scrub hard.

Learning how to adjust tasks to be more efficient with your energy is vital to making sure important tasks get done. There is a lot more that I can accomplish in a day if I make sure to use these modifications I’ve learned over time.

4. You are allowed to set boundaries around your health.

I know it’s hard to set boundaries. Especially at first, when you aren’t used to it. The thing is, you almost have to be better at boundaries than able-bodied people.

I have to constantly remind my kiddos to be gentler with me than they are with others. My body is more sensitive and I have different needs. They need to learn and understand those boundaries.

Another boundary that I am working on, is resting and honoring that for my body when I need to. Society tells you to “push through” when you’re exhausted or in pain. Able-bodied people can do this. I cannot. This is a recipe for a flare disaster.

As I’ve paid attention to my body and learned more, I know in general what I can handle in a week. This means I can only make a certain amount of plans, and I have to stick to it. If I have to do more than usual in a week, I understand that I might flare, or just have to take extra time and fewer plans the next week to recover before I flare.

Chronic/mental illness takes a lot of mental energy around planning things and setting boundaries. The more you practice boundaries, the better you’ll be able to care for your body. It sounds backward, but you’ll also be able to do more by honoring your boundaries and resting as well. This way you’ll flare less often and miss out on less.

Protect your energy for your family first. Tell other people no.

Say it with me: “No.”

Being ill makes it extremely hard to keep up with able-bodied people. Stop trying to. Your body and energy levels are different. It’s not a good or bad thing – it’s just reality.

That being said, take care of your energy as best as you can. I prioritize my energy based on caring for my kids as a stay-at-home mom. That is my full-time job, and that is where my energy goes first.

If I have leftovers, sure I can make plans and do other things. At the end of the day, if I’m too exhausted I have to prioritize rest and recovery for the next day/week. If that means saying no or canceling a plan, I have to do what is best for my body, and ultimately my kids.

5. Take the break.

I know I’ve talked about rest a lot in this post, and I’m sure I’ll continue to. But seriously. Take. The. Break.

As a struggling stay-at-home parent, I pushed my body more than I should have and got incredibly sick from it. I burned out to the point where I was basically in bed all day every day for months.

It’s not a fun place to be, and if I learned to listen to my body I might have been able to prevent it. It was the lesson I needed however to really learn to prioritize rest.

I had to learn what my body can handle before I need rest. For me, that is measured both on physical and mental exertion. As much as my body needs rest after I’ve physically moved it, my brain needs rest if I’m mentally exerting energy.

Rest is so extremely important to understand. I’m still learning my limits, and it’s hard because when you’re ill you’ll have days that are bad just because that’s the nature of a chronic condition. However, resting helps so much with the things you can control. It gives you some of that sense back.

6. Learn to prioritize tasks based on energy and necessity.

Again, learning how much energy you can and can’t exert in a day is crucial when you’re chronically/mentally ill. As a struggling stay-at-home parent, I had to learn to really cut down on the reality of what can be accomplished in a day.

I had to think through all of the tasks required of me, and then really think about if they were actually required or if I just thought I needed to do them.

Examples of my struggling stay-at-home parent required tasks

My house cannot function without:

• bills being paid
• kids being fed
• resting my body

Examples of what I used to think were required tasks as a struggling stay-at-home parent

My house can function without:

• reorganizing the fridge
• cooking dinner every single night
• picking up every toy as we are done playing with it

When you have a chronic/mental illness it makes prioritizing energy extremely important. Unfortunately, this can take years to figure out.

No. That thing probably doesn’t NEED to be done today.

It’s confusing to learn how to read your own body signals and see if you can predict what will or will not send you into a flare.

Make sure to spend your energy on tasks that absolutely are important before focusing on other tasks. It’s really frustrating when you have a list of things to do, and end up being too tired to complete them.

I understand. However, by putting the most important tasks first, at least the things that remain unfinished aren’t as much of a disappointment.

7. Your kids do not need your attention 100% of the time.

There is this odd pressure as stay-at-home parents that we have to spend all day bonding and engaging with our kids. While that time is important, it doesn’t have to be the entire day.

Your kids need time to learn and discover and play solo. They need time to learn how to occupy their own minds.

You need some time to be able to do things that need to be done. You also need time to spend on some of your passions. Taking this time for myself has incredibly helped me this past year.

The goal here is not quantity, it’s quality. When you are engaged with your kids, make sure you are fully present and showing that you’re excited to be there.

8. Set aside time every single day to do something you love.

The 2020 Covid pandemic helped me to have the extra time to sit and reflect on things I was simply too busy for. I realized that I had nothing that I did just because I enjoyed it.

I spent all my time either focused on my kids, my husband, or getting myself to rest and manage pain levels and symptoms.

Once I decided to take up a hobby, my mental health really improved. It’s a really good feeling to pick something up because you love to do it. It’s also really fun to see a project come to completion. I’m not saying you need to craft as your hobby. It’s just what I chose.

Find something you love, and do it because you love to do it. Your mental health will thank you, and I believe you’ll be a better parent because of it.

Plus, what a cool example to set for your kids. They get to see you being passionate about something you love.

9. On struggling stay-at-home parent days, use the screens.

Parents are told to avoid screens like the plague. I could get into the research behind screen time etc. but mostly I just want to be the person to give you permission to use the screens.

When you are sick, it’s okay to let your kids watch more screens. Don’t let yourself feel guilty for doing so.

When you need a break or you’re frustrated, let your kids watch the screens. Honestly, I’d rather have my kids watching TV so I can have a moment to rest or calm down so that I can be a better parent the rest of the day.

I am not saying to have the screens on 24/7 here. But also, if you do (in my house we do) don’t feel guilty about it. Focus on connecting and engaging with your kids with intention throughout the day. That’s more important than amount of screen time.

10. Use the staple pantry.

Meals are something that I struggled with for a very long time. I still do, but it’s not nearly as hard with the staple pantry.

By the end of the day, I have all my energy spent and I’m exhausted. I usually have used a lot of mental energy as well, and brain fog makes it very difficult to make decisions.

This meal planning method has made it so much easier to decide what to make for dinner.

11. If something helps you feel better, make that your biggest priority every day.

This sounds kind of like, well duh. However, when you’re a struggling stay-at-home parent your last thought is yourself. From the moment you open your eyes until you shut them at night, you’re thinking about taking care of your family, pets, household, etc.

I know those things are important. The thing is, if you aren’t doing things you know make you feel better or flare less, you’ll get sick more often or for longer periods of time.

For me, I’ve noticed if I can take 5 minutes to stretch my muscles gently in the morning and night, my pain levels decrease by quite a bit. I really see the difference if I neglect this for a few days.

Taking care of myself is something that’s easy to skip, but I need to prioritize it because I know I am taking care of myself both in the present and future. Not to mention, the ripple effect on my family. If I want to care for my family, I have to take the steps to ensure I care for myself first.

12. Let go of the guilt society gave you

I’m giving you permission. There isn’t a right or wrong way to be a stay-at-home parent when you’re doing your best and your kids are cared for and loved.

You’re probably not going to be a Pinterest parent if you’re chronically/mentally ill. That’s okay. It isn’t the only way to be a good parent.

Society teaches you so many expectations growing up about what kind of parent you need to be etc. Some of that is great, but some of that is not true.

So let go of the idea of having a pristine house and doing extravagant outings and crafts. It’s okay to find your own way of being a stay-at-home parent.

Struggling stay-at-home parent no more

Okay, that’s not exactly true. I like to say chronic means chronic. Basically, I might never get back to “normal” because I am ill. I’ll always have sick days/high pain days/bad mental health days.

However, by coming to these 12 realizations I’ve been able to let go a lot of guilt and shame around both parenting and my illnesses. I’ve also been able to shift my thinking so that I honestly am in a much better place than I was a few years ago.

I hope this post has given you some encouraging things to think about. Struggling as a stay-at-home parent is something every stay-at-home parent can relate to. The good news is that you don’t have to suffer forever.

Ditch what society has told you being a stay-at-home parent looks like. It doesn’t matter when it doesn’t work for you because of illness. Throw away the ideas that don’t work, and grab your participation trophy on the way to reframing the way you think about your job.

Are there any tips you have that I missed? Let me know in the comments!